Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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