My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
