Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
