I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
