I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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