Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Randomize
