I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
