fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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