I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
