Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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