woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
