Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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