Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
