ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
