the condom got lost in my hair
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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