i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
