Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
