He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize