no, he came in my armpit
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
