I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
