Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
