he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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