This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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