3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
