I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize