I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize