The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
