when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize