Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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