ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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