i already hear my dad disowning me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Did I show you my penis last night?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize