Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
