census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
