one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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