I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
