I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
