I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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