yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
