Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
