I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
