About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize