FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
