Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
