A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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