I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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