a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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