There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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