I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Green mimosas i think yes
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
