This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
