I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
