Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
