I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
