Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
only you would photoshop your dick
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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