Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
