Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
