There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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