Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You ruined the universe
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
