he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
